Broken Hearts and Numb Emotions

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. 

~Psalm 147: 3

Today's been weird.

This weekend I discovered this awesome artist by the name of Danni Cassette and her cover of Frank Ocean's "Thinkin' 'Bout You" has me shook.

I remember feeling that "comfortable" in "love"...that "uncomfortable" too.

But I'm still in my "can't-trust-it" phase.

I let my new prospect-type know this this weekend. His reply? "I'll wait for you because you're worth it."

Honestly, I giggled and blushed at the text. Inside? Like, later? I rolled my eyes and huffed and puffed....my huffing and puffing got even more real when I got another letter from my former fiance/ current jail bird Ajani.

He, it, we, whatever that shit was, was the one time that I actually felt reeeeeeeally secure in a relationship, and my security got breached. I got made a fool of and I got hurt.

I'm in "once-burned-twice-shy" mode right now...and I feel a little numb inside. Not dead. Just numb. 

Ajani and I had an "I jump you jump" kind of theme going on in our letters...I guess like Rose was when she was floating in the middle of an arctic sea, I too am numb, because dammit, I jumped and he didn't....even though he says he did.

I'm just not at the point where I can trust....bad/sad thing is, I know this isn't new guy's fault...but he will share the blame.

...and I don't feel terrible about it. I mean, it's only natural to be cautious...hell, not being cautious in my past is the thing that's gotten me in trouble. 

Time for something new. 

SECURITY!!!

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

Proverbs 4:23

My heart's been more than well-guarded these days.

I've got a fence -- electric.

Barbed wire.

A moat -- with Louisiana gators.

And a big ass dog to boot.

It's well-protected...but I'm wondering, lately, if I've got too much security.

This last relationship blow was like that "one good hit" that trainers warn veteran boxers about. You know, the "one" that could do you in, turn you blind, leave you in a vegetative state, make you lose your memory.

I'd been down, but I hadn't been out...until this last one. It packed enough of a punch to make me realize I needed to retire with my dignity, ya know, not go too too far past my prime.

Recently, I pretty much threw in the towel, and then don'tchaknowit, here comes another contender.

I'm wary.

Just when I got comfortable.

So, let's switch back to the "guard" metaphor: Here he goes, trying to breach security.

I don't want to let him in.

I'm supposed to be focused: Jesus, staying fit, finding a full-time gig, going to school.

That's it. Nothing more. Nothing less....and then here he comes swimming past the gators in my moat, cutting off the electricity to my fence and climbing that tall sumbitch.

I don't think he knows what he's in for.

That mean ol' dog is waiting for him.

Quite simply, I'm over the romantic love.

I just am. 

Today in church the married couples ministry did a two-step to Babyface's "Every Time I Close My Eyes".

As if we were at a wedding, somebody chimed in with 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8

    Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

 Love never fails...

Can this apply to husband-wife love? 

Of course.

But Jesus is love. So every mention of "love" or "it" in the above passage can be replaced with the name "Jesus" ...and that right there -- not a man comin' a courtin' -- allows me to TRULY let my guard down.