Big MAN!!!!

But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.”
~ 1 Samuel 16:7

I'm dating a morbidly obese man.

For the sake of this blog, he will be known only as "Big Man".

He's an angel. Really he is....but -- and not to sound vain because I KNOW that I have some issues that I need to work on -- there's just no spark.

In addition to the weight issue (He doesn't know how much he weighs, but after the divorce he started eating "comfort foods" and well, he went from large to "Cot damn!" I'd estimate that he's about 400 lbs....no bull.) there's also, well, "other things".

1) His hair. There is no reason why a 31 year old man should have braids. None. Whatsoever. Period. End of story. In my characteristically "me" way, I think, well, I know that I made it painfully obvious to him that the braids are not a personal favorite. He says he's cutting them next week. I was happy....but then there's...
2) His breath. He's even told me that he's overdue for a dentist visit....so, perhaps after that appointment, some of that will change...I hope.
3) ...well, hell. I guess "that's it".

I mean, honestly, like if I was to be mean, the weight could be numbers 1 - 25, but I digress.

I was once a big girl and so there's sympathy there...but then I have to think about this whole thing.

I know what it feels like to be someone's "option" and I totally don't want to do that to him. For real.

But in a way I feel "off the hook" for it because I told him from jump that I wasn't sure whether or not I was ready for a relationship. With that being said, he's since proclaimed that he's determined to win me over.

...I just don't know. Minus 225 pounds, plus a haircut and a dentist visit, we just might have something that's close to a spark....but hell, I've had the "wet matches" syndrome before (with a doctor!...a friggin' DOCTOR!!!) and even his status, his house, his Lexus and his involvement in church couldn't save that relationship.

Sparks are important...but time will tell.

In the end, regardless, I'll have to go with my heart.

Broken Hearts and Numb Emotions

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. 

~Psalm 147: 3

Today's been weird.

This weekend I discovered this awesome artist by the name of Danni Cassette and her cover of Frank Ocean's "Thinkin' 'Bout You" has me shook.

I remember feeling that "comfortable" in "love"...that "uncomfortable" too.

But I'm still in my "can't-trust-it" phase.

I let my new prospect-type know this this weekend. His reply? "I'll wait for you because you're worth it."

Honestly, I giggled and blushed at the text. Inside? Like, later? I rolled my eyes and huffed and puffed....my huffing and puffing got even more real when I got another letter from my former fiance/ current jail bird Ajani.

He, it, we, whatever that shit was, was the one time that I actually felt reeeeeeeally secure in a relationship, and my security got breached. I got made a fool of and I got hurt.

I'm in "once-burned-twice-shy" mode right now...and I feel a little numb inside. Not dead. Just numb. 

Ajani and I had an "I jump you jump" kind of theme going on in our letters...I guess like Rose was when she was floating in the middle of an arctic sea, I too am numb, because dammit, I jumped and he didn't....even though he says he did.

I'm just not at the point where I can trust....bad/sad thing is, I know this isn't new guy's fault...but he will share the blame.

...and I don't feel terrible about it. I mean, it's only natural to be cautious...hell, not being cautious in my past is the thing that's gotten me in trouble. 

Time for something new. 

Spine Labels: Another Lesson from the Library

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is —his good, pleasing and perfect will. 

~ Romans 12:2

So, I'm a librarian.

This means that I do things that librarians do...and some things I had NO idea that librarians do.

Like change spine labels on books.

You know spine labels. They have the Dewey decimal number on them or the author's name and the type of book it is -- fiction, biography, young adult, etc.

These labels help you locate a book.

These labels are also purposed to let you make a generalization about the contents of the book without having to open it or even look at its cover.

Just by knowing the spine label is, say, 782.12 a passerby can know that that particular book is about vocal music.

841? French poetry.

305? Social groups. (There are a ton of those books!)

963? General history of Ethiopia.

But sometimes, these books get mislabeled. This happens for a variety of reasons.

Perhaps the general topic doesn't quite match up with the way the book is written. Maybe it's a picture book, but it's about immigration. Now it qualifies for two different sections.

How about a graphic novel about a real life person that's set during the Holocaust? Well now it qualifies for three sections.

Poetry book about pets? ...well, you get my drift.

The cool thing about being a librarian is that if you take a closer look at a book and feel it doesn't "belong" within its label, you get to reclassify it.

I feel like the same is true with God: How He sees us vs. How the world sees us vs. How we see ourselves.

The world may label you one thing. You may see yourself as another. But God knows every page of you. 

If truth be told, we all defy all the labels -- and titles -- we try to stick on ourselves and others. At our core, each of us is just a big ol' bundle of mess...but He loves us anyhow.
 
And while we're down here, busying ourselves with classification -- black, white, rich, poor, hippie, square --  it feels good to know that He knows that we only need one label: His. 

SECURITY!!!

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

Proverbs 4:23

My heart's been more than well-guarded these days.

I've got a fence -- electric.

Barbed wire.

A moat -- with Louisiana gators.

And a big ass dog to boot.

It's well-protected...but I'm wondering, lately, if I've got too much security.

This last relationship blow was like that "one good hit" that trainers warn veteran boxers about. You know, the "one" that could do you in, turn you blind, leave you in a vegetative state, make you lose your memory.

I'd been down, but I hadn't been out...until this last one. It packed enough of a punch to make me realize I needed to retire with my dignity, ya know, not go too too far past my prime.

Recently, I pretty much threw in the towel, and then don'tchaknowit, here comes another contender.

I'm wary.

Just when I got comfortable.

So, let's switch back to the "guard" metaphor: Here he goes, trying to breach security.

I don't want to let him in.

I'm supposed to be focused: Jesus, staying fit, finding a full-time gig, going to school.

That's it. Nothing more. Nothing less....and then here he comes swimming past the gators in my moat, cutting off the electricity to my fence and climbing that tall sumbitch.

I don't think he knows what he's in for.

That mean ol' dog is waiting for him.

Quite simply, I'm over the romantic love.

I just am. 

Today in church the married couples ministry did a two-step to Babyface's "Every Time I Close My Eyes".

As if we were at a wedding, somebody chimed in with 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8

    Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

 Love never fails...

Can this apply to husband-wife love? 

Of course.

But Jesus is love. So every mention of "love" or "it" in the above passage can be replaced with the name "Jesus" ...and that right there -- not a man comin' a courtin' -- allows me to TRULY let my guard down.

Best Laid Plans

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 

~Jeremiah 29:11

I found this link, just like,  ummm, 5 seconds ago.

I browsed it....and then I rejected it.

If there's anything that I know about life -- at age 30, it is this: F*ck yo plans and roll with the flow.

Seriously.

Goals are great. Really they are. But, this society has a way of making you hate yourself simply because you set a goal, a mile marker, a sign post, for a certain age, a certain location, a certain "way" of being by a certain "whatever"...and when you don't "meet" it, when life throws you unexpected blows and detours and surprises and happiness that you never thought would happen, blows and detours and surprises and happiness that you have to adjust for, adjust to, move around and work with...well, that's when links like this, from publications like this, written by people that you obviously don't know and therefore should NOT care about try to make you feel bad about the fact that, eh, you missed your pre-measured mark.

But guess what!

It's OK.

My pastor in Tampa said something that I'll always remember, something that really sticks to my spiritual ribs, especially after I view links like the one above: "You may not know when, you may not know why, you may not know how, you may not know what, you may not know where....but as long as you know Who, well, it'll be all right."

:o)

And I believe that God sent my nephew into my life to teach me additional spiritual lessons. His teacher gave him homework about symmetry while I was in Chicago.

I thought to show him how to make snowflakes.

He told me this: "Do you know that every snowflake is different? None are the same."

I told him that I did indeed know that, and that snowflakes, are like people: individual.

So if crystallized water is "cool" enough for each  and every last one of them to be different, who the hell is the HuffingtonPost to tell me that my life should fit inside of a box that they created?

Yeah. I think not.

Eve: Round II

Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the LORD God had made. He said to the woman, “Did God really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden’?” The woman said to the serpent, “We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden,(except for that one).
~ Genesis 3:1 - 2

I'm Eve y'all. I just recently realized it.

Boasting solely in God and His goodness, I have to say that my life and experiences have been AMAZING! The places I've lived, the people I've met, the things I've accomplished...but, I have to admit: for a large part of my life, I've still been unhappy because I didn't have a 'real' boyfriend and have never been close to marriage.

My situation runs parallel to the foolishness that Eve got herself into.

As Ephesians 6:12 states,"we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places."

And just like he did with Eve, that damned dirty devil's been trying to start a fight.

That damned dirty devil had the nerve to get in her head and make her think that she should be ungrateful because God didn't want her eating from one, ONE, of the trees in the garden. This hefa had a kazillion kabillion million shillion trees to eat from and enjoy, but she was worried, concerned, and even "mad" at God because He told her to leave ONE of those trees alone for her own good.

Just like Eve, I've been conversing with the devil for far too long. He's been in my head and in my spirit, trying to convince me that I'm worthless -- or worth less -- because I'm single at 30.

Here I've been, for 30 years, eating from the kazillion kabillion million shillion trees and having the nerve to keep looking at that ONE tree -- with the relationship fruit -- and being ungrateful for aaaaall of the other fruits that have come to me in their season from phenomenally tasty, delicious and plentiful trees.

So, my new mantra -- because I know me :o) -- is "All the trees in the garden..." (I'm leaving the "except for that one" part out in order to help me focus on all I DO have.)

Which leads me to a conversation I had with my mom a few days ago. She -- out of the blue -- asked me: "Have you been praying for a husband?"

I wanted to smack her. Instead, I said, "I'm not really focusing on that right now."

Her reply? "Well, I don't care what he looks like or where he comes from as long as he loves God and has good character."

WTF?

You see how that damned dirty devil can try to sneak up on you? Even taking the form of seemingly good-intentioned relatives.

Ten Things I'm Thankful For....today

Oh give thanks to the LORD, call upon His name; Make known His deeds among the peoples.
~1 Chronicles 16:8

So, today's song selection of thankfulness is "Blessing Me" by Bishop Larry Trotter.

....and here are ten of the things I'm thankful to God for today....

1. I realized how awesome it is to have running water. (Watched a UNICEF ad...)
2. Crawfish. Tonight's episode of Swamp People had me reminiscing like crazy over my bayou summers.

3. Literacy. You'd be surprised how many people just can not read.
4. Shea Butter. I love what it does to my natural hair and it smells amazing.
5. Not being in jail. With this Zimmerman thing, First 48 doing some quasi-marathon and my "prisoner friend" writing me, I realize a) how many times I could've/should've gotten arrested but didn't and b) how great freedom is.
6. Rain. As soon as I walked outside after work today, the sky opened up. And, in a nod to the immortal words of that little boy from The Color Purple; "It rained on my head" and it was the epitome of rejuvenation.
7. Students like Bobbi. There's this senior at the high school I where I work and she's great. She's a big girl with even bigger confidence and decent writing ability. I offered to help the entire journalism class -- two classes actually -- and she's the only one who's taken me up on it....and get this, she's appreciative! *clutch the pearls*
8. Financial stability. I'm coming out of a storm of identity theft y'all. This boy stole my check card information and used it to steal a ton of money. Well, praise God, I've got a police report filed, all of my money back, and new credit cards (They came in the mail today.) I also went ahead and took this opportunity to cancel my Best Buy credit card.
9. My boss. She's the first boss I can truly say that I like. She's doing all she can to make sure that my temporary assistant position turns into a permanent position next year and she gives me kudos for a job well done aaaaaall the time. This is the first time I've truly felt appreciated at a job.
10. Dad's headphones. They help you hear all of these little, intricate parts of songs that you love, parts that -- regardless of how many times you've heard the song -- you may have never listened to before. And in that same vein, I thank God for my sense of hearing. <= That's #11