SECURITY!!!

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

Proverbs 4:23

My heart's been more than well-guarded these days.

I've got a fence -- electric.

Barbed wire.

A moat -- with Louisiana gators.

And a big ass dog to boot.

It's well-protected...but I'm wondering, lately, if I've got too much security.

This last relationship blow was like that "one good hit" that trainers warn veteran boxers about. You know, the "one" that could do you in, turn you blind, leave you in a vegetative state, make you lose your memory.

I'd been down, but I hadn't been out...until this last one. It packed enough of a punch to make me realize I needed to retire with my dignity, ya know, not go too too far past my prime.

Recently, I pretty much threw in the towel, and then don'tchaknowit, here comes another contender.

I'm wary.

Just when I got comfortable.

So, let's switch back to the "guard" metaphor: Here he goes, trying to breach security.

I don't want to let him in.

I'm supposed to be focused: Jesus, staying fit, finding a full-time gig, going to school.

That's it. Nothing more. Nothing less....and then here he comes swimming past the gators in my moat, cutting off the electricity to my fence and climbing that tall sumbitch.

I don't think he knows what he's in for.

That mean ol' dog is waiting for him.

Quite simply, I'm over the romantic love.

I just am. 

Today in church the married couples ministry did a two-step to Babyface's "Every Time I Close My Eyes".

As if we were at a wedding, somebody chimed in with 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8

    Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

 Love never fails...

Can this apply to husband-wife love? 

Of course.

But Jesus is love. So every mention of "love" or "it" in the above passage can be replaced with the name "Jesus" ...and that right there -- not a man comin' a courtin' -- allows me to TRULY let my guard down.

Best Laid Plans

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 

~Jeremiah 29:11

I found this link, just like,  ummm, 5 seconds ago.

I browsed it....and then I rejected it.

If there's anything that I know about life -- at age 30, it is this: F*ck yo plans and roll with the flow.

Seriously.

Goals are great. Really they are. But, this society has a way of making you hate yourself simply because you set a goal, a mile marker, a sign post, for a certain age, a certain location, a certain "way" of being by a certain "whatever"...and when you don't "meet" it, when life throws you unexpected blows and detours and surprises and happiness that you never thought would happen, blows and detours and surprises and happiness that you have to adjust for, adjust to, move around and work with...well, that's when links like this, from publications like this, written by people that you obviously don't know and therefore should NOT care about try to make you feel bad about the fact that, eh, you missed your pre-measured mark.

But guess what!

It's OK.

My pastor in Tampa said something that I'll always remember, something that really sticks to my spiritual ribs, especially after I view links like the one above: "You may not know when, you may not know why, you may not know how, you may not know what, you may not know where....but as long as you know Who, well, it'll be all right."

:o)

And I believe that God sent my nephew into my life to teach me additional spiritual lessons. His teacher gave him homework about symmetry while I was in Chicago.

I thought to show him how to make snowflakes.

He told me this: "Do you know that every snowflake is different? None are the same."

I told him that I did indeed know that, and that snowflakes, are like people: individual.

So if crystallized water is "cool" enough for each  and every last one of them to be different, who the hell is the HuffingtonPost to tell me that my life should fit inside of a box that they created?

Yeah. I think not.

Eve: Round II

Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the LORD God had made. He said to the woman, “Did God really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden’?” The woman said to the serpent, “We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden,(except for that one).
~ Genesis 3:1 - 2

I'm Eve y'all. I just recently realized it.

Boasting solely in God and His goodness, I have to say that my life and experiences have been AMAZING! The places I've lived, the people I've met, the things I've accomplished...but, I have to admit: for a large part of my life, I've still been unhappy because I didn't have a 'real' boyfriend and have never been close to marriage.

My situation runs parallel to the foolishness that Eve got herself into.

As Ephesians 6:12 states,"we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places."

And just like he did with Eve, that damned dirty devil's been trying to start a fight.

That damned dirty devil had the nerve to get in her head and make her think that she should be ungrateful because God didn't want her eating from one, ONE, of the trees in the garden. This hefa had a kazillion kabillion million shillion trees to eat from and enjoy, but she was worried, concerned, and even "mad" at God because He told her to leave ONE of those trees alone for her own good.

Just like Eve, I've been conversing with the devil for far too long. He's been in my head and in my spirit, trying to convince me that I'm worthless -- or worth less -- because I'm single at 30.

Here I've been, for 30 years, eating from the kazillion kabillion million shillion trees and having the nerve to keep looking at that ONE tree -- with the relationship fruit -- and being ungrateful for aaaaall of the other fruits that have come to me in their season from phenomenally tasty, delicious and plentiful trees.

So, my new mantra -- because I know me :o) -- is "All the trees in the garden..." (I'm leaving the "except for that one" part out in order to help me focus on all I DO have.)

Which leads me to a conversation I had with my mom a few days ago. She -- out of the blue -- asked me: "Have you been praying for a husband?"

I wanted to smack her. Instead, I said, "I'm not really focusing on that right now."

Her reply? "Well, I don't care what he looks like or where he comes from as long as he loves God and has good character."

WTF?

You see how that damned dirty devil can try to sneak up on you? Even taking the form of seemingly good-intentioned relatives.

Ten Things I'm Thankful For....today

Oh give thanks to the LORD, call upon His name; Make known His deeds among the peoples.
~1 Chronicles 16:8

So, today's song selection of thankfulness is "Blessing Me" by Bishop Larry Trotter.

....and here are ten of the things I'm thankful to God for today....

1. I realized how awesome it is to have running water. (Watched a UNICEF ad...)
2. Crawfish. Tonight's episode of Swamp People had me reminiscing like crazy over my bayou summers.

3. Literacy. You'd be surprised how many people just can not read.
4. Shea Butter. I love what it does to my natural hair and it smells amazing.
5. Not being in jail. With this Zimmerman thing, First 48 doing some quasi-marathon and my "prisoner friend" writing me, I realize a) how many times I could've/should've gotten arrested but didn't and b) how great freedom is.
6. Rain. As soon as I walked outside after work today, the sky opened up. And, in a nod to the immortal words of that little boy from The Color Purple; "It rained on my head" and it was the epitome of rejuvenation.
7. Students like Bobbi. There's this senior at the high school I where I work and she's great. She's a big girl with even bigger confidence and decent writing ability. I offered to help the entire journalism class -- two classes actually -- and she's the only one who's taken me up on it....and get this, she's appreciative! *clutch the pearls*
8. Financial stability. I'm coming out of a storm of identity theft y'all. This boy stole my check card information and used it to steal a ton of money. Well, praise God, I've got a police report filed, all of my money back, and new credit cards (They came in the mail today.) I also went ahead and took this opportunity to cancel my Best Buy credit card.
9. My boss. She's the first boss I can truly say that I like. She's doing all she can to make sure that my temporary assistant position turns into a permanent position next year and she gives me kudos for a job well done aaaaaall the time. This is the first time I've truly felt appreciated at a job.
10. Dad's headphones. They help you hear all of these little, intricate parts of songs that you love, parts that -- regardless of how many times you've heard the song -- you may have never listened to before. And in that same vein, I thank God for my sense of hearing. <= That's #11

Diamond in the Back...

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.
~1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 (NIV)

Like William DeVaughn said, I'm going to be thankful for what I've got.

The Lord spoke to me one day while I was closing up the library at work.

I realized that my current position was a 180-degree turn from the hellacious situation I was in just a few months ago.

Is it where I thought I'd be? Nope.

Is it where God wants me to be? Yep.

Long story short, KU's not happening any time soon for a few reasons.

1. They won't let me pay in-state tuition until I've lived in Kansas for a year. (Out-of-state tuition is twice the amount of in-state.)
2. Even though I've been accepted into the PhD program, I'll need another year and a half of CERTIFIED teaching before the PhD will matter towards my goal of becoming a principal.

So, Plan B: Librarian certification.

My new career equation is:

Librarian Certification + Teacher Certification = (Teacher salary + teacher benefits) x All kinds of opportunities

...I'll keep y'all updated on all of that.

In the meantime, I've realized that I need to be more grateful for God's preparation: all that He's done, doing and will do to make me into the person -- with the impact and the purpose -- that He wants me to be.

So, I'm basically bitch-slapping myself with remembrances of the many many many blessings that God's given me, provided me and covered me with since birth....

Like Daryl Coley said, "I can't tell it all"....but dammit, I'mma try.

Here are 10....and I make my boast in the Lord. I didn't do any of these things. He blessed me to allow them to happen.

1. I was born with my umbilical cord wrapped around my neck. My mother, a special education teacher, had numerous children in her classroom who were born the same way. Due to the lack of oxygen, I should've been mentally handicapped but the Lord didn't see fit.
2. My nephew.
3. My master's degree. I had it listed on my bucket list ever since I graduated -- with honors -- with my bachelor's degree. The Lord got that for me for FREE! (Glo-raaaaaay!!!!)
4. I no longer smoke.
5. My Grandma Minnie. She's a STRONG black woman in every sense of the word, and my role model.
6. My car is paid off.
7. My "Little Sister" Simphony.
8. My life....I've nearly died at least 3 times that I'm aware of, but the Lord didn't see it fit.
9. My teaching career. Despite the haters, or maybe because of them, I made a tangible impact on the lives of dozens of children.
10. My writing ability. Poetry, storytelling, blogging, making folks laugh. It's what I do.

Whoops! Almost got lost.

...let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith...Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
~ Hebrews 12: 1 - 3

Thank God that I serve a God of "second chances"....second chances times infinity!

I'll spare the details, but...I don't know. I guess I was going on a mental, physical and spiritual trip down Memory Lane and, somehow, I forgot that Memory Lane is a pretty bad road to go down.

I've been there before. I've seen its perils, its dips and potholes, the tumultuous terrain...and yet I decided to make a left when I knew I was going in the wrong direction and needed to stay "right".

Wow....well, I've corrected my path with God's help -- His rod and staff, they comfort me...that's the rod of CORRECTION and the staff of GUIDANCE.

So, yeah, I've been getting whooped up on these past few weeks, but Jesus was just beating my butt to show me that He loves me. And now, it's time to throw off all things that hinder and (especially) the sin that oh so easily entangles.

With Jesus as my compass, I'll never get truly lost...and thank God for a Spiritual Daddy who'll always come and bring my dumb ass home.